Blogflux directoryGetting the shame off ... Traffic Court
I spent most of this morning in Boulder's Municipal Court to answer for a speeding ticket I got in April. I should probably have sent in a check and avoided the four-hour experience but I'm glad I didn't, it was fascinating. Whenever I encounter the Justice system, which isn't very often, it's like entering a foreign country. I've been on a jury twice, and in 1980 I was arrested while doing civil disobedience at a nuclear power plant. I've received a few tickets for traffic accidents and paid them through the mail, so this was a rare experience with the system. And the system in Boulder appears to be very different from the systems in Chicago and Philadelphia where I served on juries and got arrested.
I was very impressed by the judge, I don't know his name (I Googled the Court, and he might have been Jeff H. Cahn, unfortunately there are no photos at the Court's site). I liked the way he talked to people, very directly and matter-of-factly, and while he was somewhat stern with some defendants, he never aimed any shame at anybody. I particulately liked the way he talked to two young men about what the consequences would be to them if they continued getting tickets -- that their auto insurance rates would get prohibitively high.
I was about 5 minutes late arriving in the courtroom although I had arrived 5 minutes early at the building, and it's a good example of the way shame can blind me. I was feeling nervous and a bit ashamed of being there and consequently couldn't find the courtoom for a good 10 minutes, even though I realized afterward it was well marked and if I had bothered to read both sides of my ticket with my brain fully functioning I would have had no trouble at all.
What I found fascinating was the way different people answered the judge. Some seemed to be in full-out victim mode and not taking full responsibility for what they had done. Some were taking responsibility but were feeling really afraid of what it was going to cost them, like the young single mother who said she was working 5 different part-time jobs to support herself and her kids. She'd been told that in her job as a courier she didn't need to wear a seat belt since she would be entering and exiting her vehicle so regularly. She'd also been told she could drive on the Pearl Street pedestrian mall if it was early enough in the morning! Not true, needless to say.
It quickly became clear that what the judge wanted to hear was that we took responsibility for our actions and would not act in the same way again. It certainly put the "fear of God" into me about speeding in the city of Boulder.
Because I was late, I failed to sign in with the courtroom clerk, not even knowing that I was supposed to sign in. The truth is, I didn't know that the young woman walking in and out of the courtroom was a court official; she was dressed extremely casually, in bluejeans, sneakers, and a low-cut blouse. But again, it may have been shame blinding me, because I never wondered why this young woman was a courier for files to and from the court to the district attorneys.
Because I didn't sign in, I was the last to be called, and so heard every other person's conversation with the judge over a period of about 3 hours. I would have learned more if I'd been able to see their faces as they spoke with the judge. One man, with curly white hair and a large belly, said he was not only innocent but that the officer who gave him the ticket had been incapacitated, and he wanted to supine this officer's record to see if there were prior complaints about drug or alcohol use. It was hard to get a read on this man's complaint without seeing his face, but the judge didn't appear to take it very seriously, and from what I could see of this judge, that meant something.
It was hard to tell how much shame my fellow defendants were feeling, if any, but I suspect many of them were feeling as embarrassed as I was to even be there.
For me, the shame-lifting process involved listening to what each person said and rehearsing in my mind something similar that I might say, and seeing how it felt. If it felt victim-y, or as if I wasn't fully owning my behavior, or if my remark would point in a direction I didn't want the conversation to go, then I continued to work at it. I had a full 3 hours to do this, and I found it really interesting to imagine all the different things I could say, and how few of them felt right. It was similar to the way I've reheased for presentations, hearing the words that come out of my mouth and seeing how they feel and if there's any shame in them.
When everyone else had left, the clerk asked for my name, and I apologized for having been late to sign in. I approached the judge saying, "I'm guilty of being clueless about how this works." He smiled.
The charge was going 36 miles per hour in a 25 mile-per-hour zone, and I was offered a plea bargain that reduced the 4 points against my driving record to just 2 points. I accepted. He asked me if I had anything to say, and since I'd had 3 hours to think about what I would say, I had no difficulty. I said this was the first time I'd ever had a speeding ticket in 39-1/2 years of driving, which was true, and that it was the first time I'd been pulled over for any reason, which was also true. (It wouldn't have been true to say that I'd never been guilty of speeding, only that I'd never been caught, so I'm glad he didn't ask.) I added that I didn't think I was going that fast but that I hadn't been looking at my spedometer when the officer pulled me over so I couldn't be sure. He said he was impressed with my driving record and reduced my fine from $100 to $60. However, there were still $25 court costs, so I ended up saving just $15 for my time spent.
I thought of saying something more to the judge, once he'd decided on my case so he'd know I wasn't just sucking up. But I waited until I'd gathered up my things and spoke up too late, and only the Clerk was still in the courtoom. I said, I've just written a book about shame, and I congratulate you-all for the way you talk to people without any shame. He thanked me, but I don't think it meant much to him.
I'm still not sorry I spent the time. It was fascinating, and another good lesson in what I feel shame about, and an interesting experience in feeling the shame lift. Because by the time I'd sat there for 3 hours thinking about what I was going to say, I felt no shame at all as I talked to the judge and would have felt quite comfortable having a lengthy discussion with him.
Getting the shame off would be at the core of any book about Shadow Work because that's what Shadow Work does. Shame stops growth, the way a foot on the brake pedal stops forward motion. Fortunately for all of us, once the foot comes off the brake, we're set on idle that begins to move us forward again automatically.
I was very impressed by the judge, I don't know his name (I Googled the Court, and he might have been Jeff H. Cahn, unfortunately there are no photos at the Court's site). I liked the way he talked to people, very directly and matter-of-factly, and while he was somewhat stern with some defendants, he never aimed any shame at anybody. I particulately liked the way he talked to two young men about what the consequences would be to them if they continued getting tickets -- that their auto insurance rates would get prohibitively high.
I was about 5 minutes late arriving in the courtroom although I had arrived 5 minutes early at the building, and it's a good example of the way shame can blind me. I was feeling nervous and a bit ashamed of being there and consequently couldn't find the courtoom for a good 10 minutes, even though I realized afterward it was well marked and if I had bothered to read both sides of my ticket with my brain fully functioning I would have had no trouble at all.
What I found fascinating was the way different people answered the judge. Some seemed to be in full-out victim mode and not taking full responsibility for what they had done. Some were taking responsibility but were feeling really afraid of what it was going to cost them, like the young single mother who said she was working 5 different part-time jobs to support herself and her kids. She'd been told that in her job as a courier she didn't need to wear a seat belt since she would be entering and exiting her vehicle so regularly. She'd also been told she could drive on the Pearl Street pedestrian mall if it was early enough in the morning! Not true, needless to say.
It quickly became clear that what the judge wanted to hear was that we took responsibility for our actions and would not act in the same way again. It certainly put the "fear of God" into me about speeding in the city of Boulder.
Because I was late, I failed to sign in with the courtroom clerk, not even knowing that I was supposed to sign in. The truth is, I didn't know that the young woman walking in and out of the courtroom was a court official; she was dressed extremely casually, in bluejeans, sneakers, and a low-cut blouse. But again, it may have been shame blinding me, because I never wondered why this young woman was a courier for files to and from the court to the district attorneys.
Because I didn't sign in, I was the last to be called, and so heard every other person's conversation with the judge over a period of about 3 hours. I would have learned more if I'd been able to see their faces as they spoke with the judge. One man, with curly white hair and a large belly, said he was not only innocent but that the officer who gave him the ticket had been incapacitated, and he wanted to supine this officer's record to see if there were prior complaints about drug or alcohol use. It was hard to get a read on this man's complaint without seeing his face, but the judge didn't appear to take it very seriously, and from what I could see of this judge, that meant something.
It was hard to tell how much shame my fellow defendants were feeling, if any, but I suspect many of them were feeling as embarrassed as I was to even be there.
For me, the shame-lifting process involved listening to what each person said and rehearsing in my mind something similar that I might say, and seeing how it felt. If it felt victim-y, or as if I wasn't fully owning my behavior, or if my remark would point in a direction I didn't want the conversation to go, then I continued to work at it. I had a full 3 hours to do this, and I found it really interesting to imagine all the different things I could say, and how few of them felt right. It was similar to the way I've reheased for presentations, hearing the words that come out of my mouth and seeing how they feel and if there's any shame in them.
When everyone else had left, the clerk asked for my name, and I apologized for having been late to sign in. I approached the judge saying, "I'm guilty of being clueless about how this works." He smiled.
The charge was going 36 miles per hour in a 25 mile-per-hour zone, and I was offered a plea bargain that reduced the 4 points against my driving record to just 2 points. I accepted. He asked me if I had anything to say, and since I'd had 3 hours to think about what I would say, I had no difficulty. I said this was the first time I'd ever had a speeding ticket in 39-1/2 years of driving, which was true, and that it was the first time I'd been pulled over for any reason, which was also true. (It wouldn't have been true to say that I'd never been guilty of speeding, only that I'd never been caught, so I'm glad he didn't ask.) I added that I didn't think I was going that fast but that I hadn't been looking at my spedometer when the officer pulled me over so I couldn't be sure. He said he was impressed with my driving record and reduced my fine from $100 to $60. However, there were still $25 court costs, so I ended up saving just $15 for my time spent.
I thought of saying something more to the judge, once he'd decided on my case so he'd know I wasn't just sucking up. But I waited until I'd gathered up my things and spoke up too late, and only the Clerk was still in the courtoom. I said, I've just written a book about shame, and I congratulate you-all for the way you talk to people without any shame. He thanked me, but I don't think it meant much to him.
I'm still not sorry I spent the time. It was fascinating, and another good lesson in what I feel shame about, and an interesting experience in feeling the shame lift. Because by the time I'd sat there for 3 hours thinking about what I was going to say, I felt no shame at all as I talked to the judge and would have felt quite comfortable having a lengthy discussion with him.
Getting the shame off would be at the core of any book about Shadow Work because that's what Shadow Work does. Shame stops growth, the way a foot on the brake pedal stops forward motion. Fortunately for all of us, once the foot comes off the brake, we're set on idle that begins to move us forward again automatically.
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