I've become very aware of a weird shadow I've had around purchasing for some years: I've often felt guilty about purchasing a small amount when I've only got a large bill to pay with, so I purchase more. In other words, if I go into a store to buy a package of M&Ms for 79 cents and have only a $20 bill to pay with, I'll feel so guilty that I'll buy $2 - $3 worth of other merchandise as well.

I have no idea where this comes from, but I seem to have conquered it where garage sales are concerned, by getting cash all in $1 bills before I go. I feel no guilt at all about buying $1 worth of goods with a $1 bill; in fact, I walk away feeling frugal and clever.

It makes me wonder if there's some kind of experience in my background in which I paid for a small purchase with a large bill and the merchant criticized me for cleaning him/her out of change. Hard to imagine.

Maybe this fits in the context of a larger issue, though, about setting a boundary, saying 'no' to what I don't want. Because I used to find it hard to go into a store and walk out without having bought anything. I don't have that trouble at garage sales any more; I very easily walk away without buying anything. This may have become easier with garage sales than with regular stores, however, both because it's sort of a matter of survival with garage sales -- if I bought something at every one I went to, my house would be overflowing with stuff -- and because a garage sale doesn't have a security person watching you like a hawk as you walk out, the way I always imagine a store does.

Which tells me that this is about trust. I've often felt afraid that I'll be accused of shoplifting if I walk out of a store without buying anything, although I've never shoplifted anything in my life and, to my knowledge, never been accused of shoplifting either. It seems like a fear of being distrusted, of being falsely accused. That must be a common fear, or Alfred Hitchcock's movies wouldn't have been much of a success.